Women have enough pressure on them from the world, but try being a widow. We can be hitting major life goals, feeling great about ourselves, finding peace after a storm, and it’s still not enough.
Widows are expected to grieve to prove they loved their spouse, but don’t grieve too much or people will think you can’t move on. You can never actually say you want to be happy. You’re supposed to show immense sadness for an undetermined amount of time, but if you’re sad people don’t want to be around you because you’re a downer. So you drink- because the first thing life does to sadness is throw a drink in its hand. And for a while, that works. Until it doesn’t. You muster enough courage to put it down so you can feel real human emotion again, and all of a sudden you aren’t any fun anymore. Widows are under such a microscope that they feel eyes on them everywhere they go like people are waiting for some show of emotion, but also feel invisible because their social circles have changed drastically. Widows should still socialize, but don’t socialize with married people because you’re single now. Your couple friends disappear because wives think you want to steal husbands. Widows don’t want your husband. They wanted theirs not to die. Widows are supposed to carry on life like normal- keep house, do laundry, manage bills, handle homework and child-rearing alone- and they aren’t allowed to complain about it because complaining means you aren’t grateful for what you have left. Very rarely is what a widow has lost acknowledged. How dare any of us complain about how hard this really is. As a widow you should talk about your spouse and share stories because that keeps the memory alive, especially for his children. But don’t talk about them too much or people will say you are “living in the past.” Widows have a ton of money, right? So you should definitely spend it because life is short, but don’t go on too many vacations because surely you need to save money to raise your child. The list goes on and on and on and on…
It’s impossible to live up to the standards society sets for widows, because most of the time the people setting these imaginary standards have never walked the road you’re on themselves. If they did, they wouldn’t place so many requirements on people who have had to re-learn everything from who they are to how they identify in the world after losing the identity of wife. Most people get to figure that out organically just once with their peers, widows are thrust into circling back and figuring out life for a second time at an older age than natural. Mistakes are made. It’s trial and error.
If you ask a widow, I bet they will tell you that the hardest part of becoming a widow wasn’t the actual loss, but the loss of everything afterwards. Try losing something meaningful daily as you watch your spouse suffer and die slowly. For me personally, every day for 18 months I watched something else slip away until he finally did. Try losing your physical comfort, identity, support, parenting partner, financial comfort, and person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with all at once.
But every day, I get something back. Every day a little happiness creeps in, and it comes in many forms. Mostly laughing and being filled with gratitude for where I am in life now after a trip through Hell on earth. Restoration is a long road, but it’s one worth traveling. And if you find yourself dragging any of the people described above on your journey to wholeness again, just stop and let them and the heavy weight of their expectations off. Can’t carry dead weight into the vibrant life ahead of you.
Xoxo,
BlondeBlackWidow 